Whispers of Becoming

Dostoevsky, one of the most renowned novelists in the world was born in Moscow 1821. Growing up as a child he was exposed to the sickly, illness and poverty through his father (a doctor). Later on in life, he was pushed into the Military Engineering Academy in St Petersburg, where he became an engineer. An occupation which would gradually turn unfulfilling and hollow.

His Ego-death

In his late 20s, he was part of a political group that read banned political texts. This led to his arrest and execution. The day of his supposed death, where he and his prisoner mates were lined up and blindfolded… he had discovered that it was only a mock execution. Instead he would be sent to 4 years of hard labour in Siberia instead.

He wrote this to his brother after the incident:

“When I turn back to look at the past, I think of how much time has been wasted, how much of it lost in misdirected efforts, mistakes, and idleness, in living the wrong way; and, however I treasured life, how much I sinned against my heart and spirit—my heart bleeds now as I think of it. Life is a gift, life is happiness, each minute could be an eternity of bliss.”

In his own writing he declares with absolute inner knowing that life is undeniably a gift. When death was knocking at his door, his ultimate revelation arrived. His emphasis on the themes of “waste” and “lost” transmutes time as something sacred. As he recollects his previous years, the clarity erupts within him. He realised he was living an inauthentic life, full of distraction and chasing meaningless things with little sentimental value. Swept along through a current of wind passing through a valley, touching everything from the leaves, the trees, the water. And yet belonging nowhere.

Sometimes regret doesn’t sit in the mind, but it tightens sharply inside the chest.

Do not let the minutes pass through our hands like sand.

When you accept that one day, you too will die, and every day is a moment you will never get back again, you lean in more…

Every warmth of sunlight is more precious.

Every breath you take is a miracle.

Even after wasted time, life is still a gift. Perhaps, you’ve felt lost, unaligned and misdirected. Where each morning requires a little more effort to stand upright. Or each night before you drape the bedcovers over you and fall fast asleep, you sink a fraction deeper into a melancholy heaviness you can not quite name.

But you can not regret nor stay in that dire state forever. You can not time-travel back in a telephone box like Doctor Who, rewrite your past, or buy back time with coins of gold.

However I do say this:

It is never too late to to start again and start living more freely. There is no shame in being seen trying. And you can turn a new leaf at any age.

I recount the first time I coughed up a speck of bright red blood in the cold bathroom sink and made the decision to never touch a vape again. In no circumstances I was ever addicted to it, but its effects helped me regulate in an environment that was constantly putting me in fight or flight mode. Moreover, it didn’t help when some of my peers were using it too. The vape was my escape route. To help me cope and forget the pain of a series of unfortunate events that lay before me.

Sometimes, knowing is not enough. You can know and still self-destruct. You can know what’s good for you, but still look the opposite way. Sometimes we need that one wake-up, that one trigger or one near-death moment to shift our awareness.

You need to stare at yourself, eye to eye starkly in the mirror to finally understand the consequences of your actions and have the self-control and courage to rebuild yourself once again.

Love

Wendy